You’ve seen it. \u00a0You may have done it yourself. \u00a0Someone\u00a0cuts in front of you while driving. \u00a0How rude! \u00a0You yell at them, maybe cussing at them. \u00a0Behavior that probably wouldn’t happen among friends happens easily among strangers. \u00a0 Why is this?<\/p>\n

For around two million years, humans lived in small foraging groups of around 25 to 50 individuals. \u00a0When food was plentiful, the groups would gather together to exchange news and to find a mate. \u00a0A variety of research studies by anthropologists has found that humans can form optimal connections with no more than about 150 others. \u00a0Beyond that number, others tend to be\u00a0viewed as strangers\u00a0and, therefore, as potentially dangerous.<\/p>\n

This data forms the basis of Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*uck<\/a>,\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>a book on manners for the 21st century \u00a0written by Amy Alkon whose advice is informed by solid scientific research leavened by pointed and humorous personal anecdotes. \u00a0 Our brains are optimized for small-group living, but most of us live in cities and suburbs surrounded by strangers. \u00a0The group size we now have to deal with is too big for our brains. This makes\u00a0it\u00a0difficult to behave well towards strangers. \u00a0But an effective society requires that we figure out how to do just that.<\/p>\n

Alkon’s primary recommendation is to turn strangers into neighbors. \u00a0Actually look at everyone you encounter: smile, be pleasant.\u00a0When you really see someone\u00a0and they really see you, it is harder for either of you to be rude. \u00a0“[R]udeness…almost always comes down to a failure of empathy–neglecting to consider how our behavior will affect others.” (p. 196)<\/p>\n

Failures of empathy tread all over another person’s dignity and may cause that person also to behave rudely. \u00a0A negative cycle ensues.<\/p>\n

When we view someone as a stranger rather than a neighbor, it is easier to treat that person as not fully human. \u00a0As Alkon notes, we have to find ways to connect with strangers in order to make them co-humans with whom we can relate. \u00a0Or, as I say to my students,\u00a0“Build Bridges, not Walls.”<\/p>\n

In this holiday season where the focus is on peace and goodwill, use empathy to\u00a0break down walls and build\u00a0bridges. \u00a0View others as potential friends rather than potential dangers. Turn strangers into neighbors.<\/p>\n

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